It's probably the most hated holiday of all holidays. Let's be real, is this even a real holiday? Hallmark made it up as part of a consumerism scam. Fuck you, Hallmark. (Valentines Day brings out my vulgarity, sorry) So, how will I be spending this romantic holiday? I will most certainly not have a significant other, because college doesn't breed those anymore. Am I right? (Cosmo just did an article on this, check it out. I dare you) I am.
Welp, I'm determined to make this Valentines Day ah-ma-zing. I mean it's really just like any other day. Besides the fact that I have to watch girls walk around campus with bouquets and boyfriends, it's totally normal! While they get flowers and shitty, heart-shaped chocolates, I'll be eating brownies, so who's the real winner? Also, is it totally unacceptable to send myself flowers? Nope. The answer is no, everyone deserves flowers.
Thank goodness for friends, friends, friends! I will not have to resort to befriending the infamous Tulane cats. Fuck, cats. Anywaaaaay, I'm planning on eating all my feelings (I'm a hopeless romantic--- too many emotions too handle), which means I'll probably be in a food coma. Hopefully, I'll still have enough stamina to go thrifting. Even if I don't have the energy, I'm forcing myself to go. I'm getting on that streetcar, hittin' up Magazine St. and spending all of my money that I should be saving. College probs, lawlz. Hopefully, I'll have Starbucks in my hand while doing so ---there is no better day to behave like a basic bitch.
In conclusion, Valentine's Day will be filled with fun festivites and total self-loathing. At the end of the day, I will be ten pounds heavier and $100 poorer, but will probably feel more accomplished than ever before. And THAT is reason enough to ruin my body and my budget.
Sidenote: If anyone out there actually does love me, you will buy me this book. It's called Psychos and is written by my role model and inspiration, Babe Walker. Even though it doesn't officially come out until April 29th, you can pre-order it on Amazon for a measly $12.30. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Thanks, friends.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Bangerz.
Two Things:
1. I love Miley and also Bangerz. #Mileyforpresident
2. If you're thinking about getting straight-across bangs, don't. Not chic nor cute.
Xoxo,
Me
1. I love Miley and also Bangerz. #Mileyforpresident
2. If you're thinking about getting straight-across bangs, don't. Not chic nor cute.
Xoxo,
Me
Friday, January 3, 2014
Lawlz, It's 2014
Well, shit. 2013 is gone and this past year was absolutely crazy. A more accurate description would be an emotional roller coaster; it feels like there was an endless list of scary and new first experiences. So since this blog is already filled with stupid personal reflections, why not reflect on my most important "firsts" of 2013?
1. My first kiss:
Yeah, I was 18 when I got my first kiss, so what? Assholes laugh at this, but who cares. If you laughed, you probably have herpes and wished you waited as long as I did. Anyway, my first kiss was by no means romantic. Actually, it was super embarrassing, like more embarrassing than a nip slip at the Superbowl. But in all of its awkward glory, it was perfect.
2. My first semester in college:
Ugh, college. The media glamorizes college so much, but in reality its hard and its scary and sometimes it sucks. Most days I didn't even know why I was there... If anyone knows where I can find a chill hippie commune, hmu. It took an entire semester to even realize its importance, on more than just an educational level. I've learned so much about myself in just one semester, which actually feels really good. Education is still important, though. Don't fuck that up.
3. My first time living alone:
Well, I lied, I have a roommate. It is, however, my first year without my parents. I wouldn't call a dorm a glamorous living space, but the freedom associated with living in a dorm is pretty neat.
4. My first failed test:
Yep, got a big ole 35% on my second Chemistry test. Fuck. That's all I have to say.
Note to readers: Chocolate will get you through almost any crappy day, but it will also lead to fat thighs and self- loathing.
5. My first yoga experience:
Everybody should do yoga, because happiness. Also, you will be toned and feel trรจs chic. From yoga, I grew an ass and now belong to the an elite yogi crew. Win- Win.
6. My first real heartbreak:
Along with my first real boyfriend, I experienced my first real heartbreak. I've learned the hard way that no amount of cheesy chick flicks and chocolate will lessen the hurt of a broken heart. Friends and crying helps, though. If you're one of those girls who is too "strong" to cry, don't be surprised if your broken heart takes a decade to heal. Also, don't be surprised when you're acting super bitchy and bitter. Your friends might hate you as well, so good luck.
Also, if your motto after a breakup is, "The best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else," and immediately following a breakup you get straight to work, you're tacky and I hate you.
1. My first kiss:
Yeah, I was 18 when I got my first kiss, so what? Assholes laugh at this, but who cares. If you laughed, you probably have herpes and wished you waited as long as I did. Anyway, my first kiss was by no means romantic. Actually, it was super embarrassing, like more embarrassing than a nip slip at the Superbowl. But in all of its awkward glory, it was perfect.
2. My first semester in college:
Ugh, college. The media glamorizes college so much, but in reality its hard and its scary and sometimes it sucks. Most days I didn't even know why I was there... If anyone knows where I can find a chill hippie commune, hmu. It took an entire semester to even realize its importance, on more than just an educational level. I've learned so much about myself in just one semester, which actually feels really good. Education is still important, though. Don't fuck that up.
3. My first time living alone:
Well, I lied, I have a roommate. It is, however, my first year without my parents. I wouldn't call a dorm a glamorous living space, but the freedom associated with living in a dorm is pretty neat.
4. My first failed test:
Yep, got a big ole 35% on my second Chemistry test. Fuck. That's all I have to say.
Note to readers: Chocolate will get you through almost any crappy day, but it will also lead to fat thighs and self- loathing.
5. My first yoga experience:
Everybody should do yoga, because happiness. Also, you will be toned and feel trรจs chic. From yoga, I grew an ass and now belong to the an elite yogi crew. Win- Win.
6. My first real heartbreak:
Along with my first real boyfriend, I experienced my first real heartbreak. I've learned the hard way that no amount of cheesy chick flicks and chocolate will lessen the hurt of a broken heart. Friends and crying helps, though. If you're one of those girls who is too "strong" to cry, don't be surprised if your broken heart takes a decade to heal. Also, don't be surprised when you're acting super bitchy and bitter. Your friends might hate you as well, so good luck.
Also, if your motto after a breakup is, "The best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else," and immediately following a breakup you get straight to work, you're tacky and I hate you.
Well, that's all I really have in the realm of "firsts" or at least in the realm of important "firsts". I can honestly say that 2013 left me with the happiest and saddest of memories. Luckily, all memories, good or bad, give us the choice or at least the incentive to approach life in a brand new way. So for now, cheers to the New Year! I'm so ready to experience a whole new round of "firsts" --- the memories will be amazing.
Monday, December 2, 2013
College?
College is so strange. I'm here to learn and to grow, so that I can go on to do something bigger, something better with my life. The only problem is: I have absolutely no idea where my life is headed or where I even want it to be headed. Forget about majors, I hardly even know what I'm passionate about anymore. I'm lost, roaming alone and perpetually searching for happiness that I'm not even sure exists.
It's a funny thing, this world. We're taught that we all have this purpose, this duty that were meant to serve. We spend our whole lives trying to fulfill the role we've been given, regardless of the fact that it may not even be our role to play. We're given this image of utopia and expected to play our part in the perfection. There's no help, though; we are left to find out for ourselves which career, which life, and which whatever we're meant for. It's bullshit. Perfection isn't attainable, so why are we all trying so damn hard? I constantly hear the pompous chatter of college kids, whose unwavering efforts are focused solely on finding their own piece of perfect. It's almost sickening. They've taught me something, though: I am no where near perfection and for the first time ever, I'm not sure I want to be.
It's a funny thing, this world. We're taught that we all have this purpose, this duty that were meant to serve. We spend our whole lives trying to fulfill the role we've been given, regardless of the fact that it may not even be our role to play. We're given this image of utopia and expected to play our part in the perfection. There's no help, though; we are left to find out for ourselves which career, which life, and which whatever we're meant for. It's bullshit. Perfection isn't attainable, so why are we all trying so damn hard? I constantly hear the pompous chatter of college kids, whose unwavering efforts are focused solely on finding their own piece of perfect. It's almost sickening. They've taught me something, though: I am no where near perfection and for the first time ever, I'm not sure I want to be.
Monday, November 18, 2013
GILF?
Being old is cute, right?
Have you ever wondered what you will look like when your thirty-five? Forty-five? Sixty? Eighty? Do you aspire to be the ever elusive MILF or DILF or maybe even rock the shit out of the hermit life? Recently, my friends and I had this discussion. Personally, I want to be a hot mom. My kid's friends should think I'm hella sexy.
As a grandma, I don't need to be a GILF--- save that for the cougars. I'd be happy to rock the stereotypical grandma look: short hair, high-waisted pants, and comfy loafers. I'm all about that. My friend, on the other hand, says that she refuses to be a grandma with short hair. She could end up looking like a total hippie, think "Boob Lady" from the Simpsons Movie. Or she could be one of those hot grandmas with ice grey hair that's actually super stylish. Examples:
 |
| Boob Lady |
| Human Boob Lady--- not chic. |
 |
| Chic. |
Is there a point to any of this at all? At seventy, I doubt that I even care what I look like, as long as my body is still functioning. Like if I'm incontinent, what's the point of even looking good?
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
SOS
That's cute that you think its acceptable to wear work boots in public. I'm talking to you, boys! Those fugly, brown work boots really aren't doing you any favors. You know the ones I'm talking about! They're the shoes that you ruin your cute outfit with, the shoes that Farmer Fred probably wears while harvesting his crops. Let's take a closer look at this fashion don't:
Your boots are ugly. I would assume you are ugly too, but most fashion offenders, I've found, have real hottie potential. Ditch the boots and, trust me, the girls will flock. Unless your looking for a girl who's a self proclaimed "country" --- AKA butch --- girl, these boots are not the boots for you. Your potential wife will not find these tan atrocities attractive. There's a reason Big Foot doesn't make public appearances, clearly, he's embarrassed of his disproportionate feet.You should be too.
Please, to save the general public's eyes, ditch your boots in that dark, dusty corner of your closet (their permanent new home) or you know, the dumpster.
 |
| Fugly. |
Please, to save the general public's eyes, ditch your boots in that dark, dusty corner of your closet (their permanent new home) or you know, the dumpster.
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